Well... if you know our family, you know who this blog is going to be about! I'm not writing this blog because I have all the answers to raising a strong-willed child. In fact, I find myself in the opposite position. We are in a constant search for the best way to raise him, to discipline him, to change negative behavior, and so on. Even today has presented many challenges. So the purpose for this blog is just for us to have a record of what things we are dealing with right now and what has or hasn't worked for us. Every child is different and responds to different things at different times, and so there isn't one right or wrong answer. We want to be the best parents we can be to him. We want to teach him to use all of the wonderful gifts that God has given to him. We want to give him every opportunity to grow and learn. And so... we continue to try new things and learn ourselves.
First - a little about our precious Dylan: In addition to being strong-willed, Dylan is also very full of energy. He is very loving. He loves to play, laugh, have fun, and even to be held and cuddled - especially if he's sleepy or not feeling well. He has a very fun personality and his laughter is contageous. He LOVES to help and wants to be a part of whatever we are doing and he thrives on praise. He also likes for everything to be on his terms. If you tell him to do something, he'll want to finish what he's doing first and get to it when he wants. If you tell him to stop doing something, he always has to do it one more time! These are the main reasons he gets in trouble. When we give instructions, we expect them to be followed immediately. We feel we should only have to say it once. We have set these expectations for Connor and Dylan (and it will be the same for Sam). If we have to repeat ourselves, then there are consequences.
Another big challenge is how he deals with anger. He has hit, kicked, bitten, thrown things, screamed, cried, and other things of the like. That is one place where we need to help him more... teaching him how to better deal with his anger. It is a work in progress, even in my own life. I try to think about how I deal with anger, but I have struggled, too. I have not been a good example. I know that the best ways to deal with anger and a bad attitude are prayer, taking deep breaths, counting, reading, being alone... maybe he and I can work on those together!
So, here are some things we have tried that I feel have not worked well with Dylan:
Spankings - I never really thought I would say this because I do believe spankings work and can serve a purpose in certain circumstances. But, with Dylan, spankings do not change his behavior. Although there are probably times this would be an appropriate punishment, for the most part, they don't work with Dylan.
The corner/time-out - We have put him in time-out before when trying to get him to apologize to someone or trying to get him to complete a task and he refused. We would put him there and say, "you can come out when you're ready to do what we've asked." He has stood there for hours! And, most of the time, he doesn't really seem to mind it.
Yelling at him - OK, I know this is not a punishment anyone actually recommends. But, the truth is, I have gotten so frustrated or angry, I have done it. It makes him cry, his behavior doesn't change, and I feel awful! I always end up apologizing to him and asking him to forgive me and explaining to him that yelling is not ok and mommy messes up sometimes, too. It's very humbling when you have to go to your children for forgiveness.
Now, here are some things that we have found do work well (or we are still trying them):
Redirection - Many times, Dylan just gets bored! He becomes destructive when he's bored. So many times, if I can just find something constructive for him to do, that resolves the destructive behavior. He loves to draw, color, paint, and work with play-dough... anything artistic. He also loves to play in the dirt. He loves to play in the water - sometimes just putting him in the bathtub with bubbles to play does the trick. He also loves to do things to help me. Today I needed to work in the garage, so I turned on the water hose and asked him to water the blueberries and flowers. I gave him the hose and a watering can, he had a blast and was happily occupied for 30 minutes! When he was bored with that I pulled out his water gun, then his basketball goal and ball, then scissors and paper in the basement, then play-dough. I was able to get so much done and as long as he had something to do, he was happy!
Praise for positive behavior - Dylan loves attention. Sometimes I think he misbehaves because he wants attention... any kind of attention. So, when he misbehaves, he definitely gets my attention. We are working on giving him a lot of praise when he is behaving, or we see him share, or we hear him say something nice, or he sits at the table and eats an entire meal without getting up!
Isolation - This is spin on the prior (praise for positive behavior)... instead of giving him attention when he does something he shouldn't (like if he isn't being nice to someone), we make him go to his room by himself. He doesn't get to be a part of family activities when he is misbehaving. He gets a lack of attention, rather than attention. Now, for Connor, this wouldn't work. He loves to be alone in his room! But, Dylan loves to be around others. Our rule is, "be nice to everyone, or be alone in your room." He cannot resume family activities (whether it be a movie, a game, a meal, etc.) until he has had time to think about what he did, changed his attitude and apologized to the person he offended.
The last thing is the one we are still trying to figure out... what to do when he refuses to do something we've asked him to do... like, "pick up those blocks and put them in the bin." And he just stands there and stares at us. We have had a lot of suggestions and we've tried everything including all of the 6 things listed above, plus other things. Nothing seems to work. Has anyone dealt with this one and figured out a solution??
He is such a precious boy with a very tenacious spirit. I love his willingness to try anything and I pray he always keeps that. He is an amazing blessing with many amazing gifts. I pray we can teach him to use all of his gifts to the honor and glory of God, even the gift of a strong will!
