Attitudes... they reveal so much about us. Our thoughts, our beliefs, our values. They are a compilation of what we know, what we have experienced, what we believe, and how we feel about things. They provide great insight into our hearts. So, what a great resource for us as parents to peek into the windows of our children's hearts! I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking about this subject lately, so I thought I would share a few things I've learned so far. We are still working on applying all of these concepts in our own lives, but these concepts are really helping us deal with some "heart" issues in our family.
We've all seen it. We all know exactly when it begins to rear its ugly head. A bad attitude! It may show itself in the form of a whine or complaint, a huff or puff, an annoyed stance, crossed arms, a grumble, a sigh, etc., etc., etc. We recognize it immediately... but why do they have that attitude, what is it saying about their heart, how do we react, and how can we change it?
Why do they have that attitude and what is it saying about their heart?
There can be a number of reasons for a bad attitude. If we listen to what they say, their words can reveal a lot. They may reveal an attitude to selfishness, pride, defiance, anger, or uncooperativeness. They may reveal character flaws such as laziness, discontentment, or impatience. Or they may reveal wrong thinking... they may have a misconception or misguided feelings about something. If they don't say anything, but still are showing a bad attitude in their actions, its important to talk with them to find out the reason for the bad attitude. When we understand the reason, we can address it and begin a process to change it.
How do we react?
Bad attitudes in our children can bring out bad attitudes in us. We can become angry or hurt by their words or actions. We can feel disrespected, unappreciated and irritated. If we respond to our child's bad attitude with anger or harshness, we can give a mixed message when we are telling them to change their attitude when all the while, we need to change ours. If we become angry, we may need to take some time to calm down and think about what we want to say before confronting our child. Also, if our child's emotions are high, that may be another good reason to put off the conversation. Wait until everyone is in a calmer frame of mind and can have a rational discussion. If we only address the bad behavior or words, and leave the attitude unchecked, we can be fostering a future lifestyle of bad attitudes, bad moods, and a negative mind-set.
How can we change it?
Changing an attitude takes consistency over time. It is not an easy fix that will take place after one conversation. Once we pinpoint what attitude, character flaw, or wrong thinking our child has revealed through their words/actions, we can begin discussions to reflect their feelings, let them know we understand, and share our thoughts and feelings with them as well as provide discipline if needed. This may take many cycles, but it needs to take place every time the bad attitude comes out because a child can have many different bad attitudes revealing different things that need to be addressed.
The goal is for our children to learn to recognize a bad attitude in themselves, think about why they have that attitude, and figure out healthy ways to respond to their feelings (taking some quiet time for themselves, praying, reading the bible, etc.) and change their own attitude. God wants us to reflect an attitude of Christ. Romans 15: 5-6 says, "May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." As parents, we can help our children learn ways to recognize and change negative attitudes, moods, and mind-sets.
This has just been a brief summary of some of the concepts we are putting into action in our family. If you would like to read more about this subject and learn some other great ideas/concepts (and see examples), I highly recommend the book "Good and Angry - Exchanging Frustration for Character... In You and Your Kids!" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. This subject on attitude is covered in just one chapter. It is FULL of great ideas about the usefulness of anger, giving instruction... and getting your kids to obey the first time!, giving correction, accepting limits, teaching self-control and integrity, and more from a biblical view.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Are you a "squeezer" or a "pleaser"?
This question was asked in our morning devotional (VeggieTales 365 Day Starter Devos for Boys), "...are you a "squeezer" or a "pleaser"? Do you squeeze God into your schedule with a prayer before mealtime, or do you please God by talking to Him far more often than that?"
Although these devotions are supposed to be for the boys' benefit, this question and statement spoke to me. We are very intentional about having devotionals and family worship time with the boys, about being at church for Sunday School and service every Sunday, about going to AWANA every week, about memorizing scripture, about talking about biblical principals throughout the day, etc. We want to make sure that they know how very important it is to make time for God and to worship Him. But, the thought occurred to me, "how much time do I personally spend alone, quietly with God?" It is very easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of each day... doing chores, doing lessons/crafts/playtime with the boys, running errands, and "unwinding" at the end of the day vegetating in front of the television or computer (ouch, that one hurt to admit)?
The bible teaches us the importance of quiet time... Psalm 62:5 says "I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." And Psalm 46:10 says "... Be still and know that I am God..." It can be very difficult to carve out quiet time alone with God each day... but oh how it pleases Him when we do! How we glorify and show Him our love when we do! He has blessed us so richly and is it really to much to ask that I give Him some of my time, alone, just us?? No, its not. It's actually very little for Him to ask of us.
This time can be spent at ANY part of our day... we can choose. Everyone is different and has different schedules so this time may be best spent for you first thing in the morning, or on lunch break in your car, or when the kids are napping, or at night when everyone else has gone to bed. It doesn't matter when you do it, it just matters that you do it.
It is also important that we teach our children about this concept from an early age. If we do, then it will just be a natural part of their every day when they are older. Although, I will be the first to admit that teaching a 3 and 4 year old about quiet time can be, well, a challenge... but it is definitely doable. When they are very excited or want to play or in need of a nap... these are not times to practice. You know your children best so you will be the best judge of when good quiet time would be. For us, its going to be first thing in the morning when they wake up and they are rested, but still sleepy. This is also the best time for me, too. I really enjoy quiet time alone in the morning. Let them "catch" you having your quiet time and invite them to join you. Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it. Read to them as well, and pray with them. This only has to take a few minutes, especially if they are very young. The important part is that they see you and understand what this time means to you. This time will be a very precious time for you and for your children... and for God.
"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3:3-4
Although these devotions are supposed to be for the boys' benefit, this question and statement spoke to me. We are very intentional about having devotionals and family worship time with the boys, about being at church for Sunday School and service every Sunday, about going to AWANA every week, about memorizing scripture, about talking about biblical principals throughout the day, etc. We want to make sure that they know how very important it is to make time for God and to worship Him. But, the thought occurred to me, "how much time do I personally spend alone, quietly with God?" It is very easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of each day... doing chores, doing lessons/crafts/playtime with the boys, running errands, and "unwinding" at the end of the day vegetating in front of the television or computer (ouch, that one hurt to admit)?
The bible teaches us the importance of quiet time... Psalm 62:5 says "I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." And Psalm 46:10 says "... Be still and know that I am God..." It can be very difficult to carve out quiet time alone with God each day... but oh how it pleases Him when we do! How we glorify and show Him our love when we do! He has blessed us so richly and is it really to much to ask that I give Him some of my time, alone, just us?? No, its not. It's actually very little for Him to ask of us.
This time can be spent at ANY part of our day... we can choose. Everyone is different and has different schedules so this time may be best spent for you first thing in the morning, or on lunch break in your car, or when the kids are napping, or at night when everyone else has gone to bed. It doesn't matter when you do it, it just matters that you do it.
It is also important that we teach our children about this concept from an early age. If we do, then it will just be a natural part of their every day when they are older. Although, I will be the first to admit that teaching a 3 and 4 year old about quiet time can be, well, a challenge... but it is definitely doable. When they are very excited or want to play or in need of a nap... these are not times to practice. You know your children best so you will be the best judge of when good quiet time would be. For us, its going to be first thing in the morning when they wake up and they are rested, but still sleepy. This is also the best time for me, too. I really enjoy quiet time alone in the morning. Let them "catch" you having your quiet time and invite them to join you. Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it. Read to them as well, and pray with them. This only has to take a few minutes, especially if they are very young. The important part is that they see you and understand what this time means to you. This time will be a very precious time for you and for your children... and for God.
"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3:3-4
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Spring cleaning... in January!
OK, I know Spring cleaning is supposed to be reserved for, well, the spring... but I thought, what better way to start the year than with everything cleaned out and organized?? Everything has a way of getting cluttered and stacked up and stashed in a drawer throughout the year and you end up with closets you're afraid to open without something falling on you and drawers you can't open!
This is going to be a pretty long process because I can't do it all at one time. I can only invest an hour or less a day so I am trying to focus on one room, or one closet, or one piece of furniture to go through per day.
I started with a new bookcase (well, new to us anyway... it was given to us by a dear friend). We didn't have one and Chris wasn't convinced that we needed one, but I insisted anyway. After I finished pulling out all of the books from all of my "hiding" places around the house and had them stacked in the living room to organize on the bookshelf, I think Chris was convinced! :) He said, "where did all of these come from???" Bahahahaha... I guess I'm pretty good at finding places to stash things.
Next I had the boys go through all of the toys in their room and we picked ones that they don't play with all that often to take down to the basement. I'm not getting rid of them, but I'm putting them away for now and the plan is to pull them out in 6 months or so and switch them for any toys they may have become bored with. They tend to get excited to see toys they haven't played with in a while. While we were going through their room, we also cleaned out drawers and their closet. I am still slowly working on Sam's room. His closet has just been a place to put things I don't know what to do with.
Next was our closet. I had to put away flip flops and sandals and other warm weather items. They had taken over the floor in our closet. I did it when Chris was at work and after he came home and went upstairs to change, he came back down and said, "Hey, did you know there's carpet in our closet??" Smarty britches...
I still have to go through our night stands, dresser, and armoir in our room and all of the drawers in our living room tables... but I am already feeling decluttered! If anyone were to come over, no one would notice anything different (except the bookshelf), but I know there is less of a mess in drawers and closets and if I want to find something, I may just be able to do so! I love it!!
This is going to be a pretty long process because I can't do it all at one time. I can only invest an hour or less a day so I am trying to focus on one room, or one closet, or one piece of furniture to go through per day.
I started with a new bookcase (well, new to us anyway... it was given to us by a dear friend). We didn't have one and Chris wasn't convinced that we needed one, but I insisted anyway. After I finished pulling out all of the books from all of my "hiding" places around the house and had them stacked in the living room to organize on the bookshelf, I think Chris was convinced! :) He said, "where did all of these come from???" Bahahahaha... I guess I'm pretty good at finding places to stash things.
Next I had the boys go through all of the toys in their room and we picked ones that they don't play with all that often to take down to the basement. I'm not getting rid of them, but I'm putting them away for now and the plan is to pull them out in 6 months or so and switch them for any toys they may have become bored with. They tend to get excited to see toys they haven't played with in a while. While we were going through their room, we also cleaned out drawers and their closet. I am still slowly working on Sam's room. His closet has just been a place to put things I don't know what to do with.
Next was our closet. I had to put away flip flops and sandals and other warm weather items. They had taken over the floor in our closet. I did it when Chris was at work and after he came home and went upstairs to change, he came back down and said, "Hey, did you know there's carpet in our closet??" Smarty britches...
I still have to go through our night stands, dresser, and armoir in our room and all of the drawers in our living room tables... but I am already feeling decluttered! If anyone were to come over, no one would notice anything different (except the bookshelf), but I know there is less of a mess in drawers and closets and if I want to find something, I may just be able to do so! I love it!!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
No one can see me.
Several months ago I took Connor and Dylan to Burger King and after lunch we went out to the playground so they could play for a while. There happened to be a lot of kids there that day (I think there was a school group there for a field trip because most of the children there knew each other). They were so excited to get a chance to play with so many kids their age and some older than them. They were all running around happily playing and Connor really wanted to play hide-and-seek. I was so proud of him for taking the initiative to try and start up a game. He was asking everyone if they wanted to play as they ran by him. He would say, "Hey, does anyone want to play hide and seek?" And, "It's a really fun game." And, "I'll let you hide first." They were so busy playing no one stopped or showed any sign that they even heard him. I don't blame them, they were just excited and having fun playing and running around... but Connor didn't understand. He just stood in the middle of the playground and started to cry. I had been watching all of this play out and I knew why he was crying, but I called him over to me and quietly asked him what was the matter. I wanted to hear the explanation from his perspective. All he said was, "No one can see me."
My. Heart. Ripped. In. Two.
It took me a minute to be able to speak without crying myself. I related to him and could remember having felt that way before. How could I express to him how special he is... what an amazing blessing he is... how much he is so deeply loved?? I explained to him that the other kids were just so excited to be on the playground where they could run and slide and do things that they can't normally do at home. I also explained that not everyone wants to play the exact same thing we want to play and sometimes we just have to join in what others are already playing and that I was sure they would love it if he joined in with them. Then I held him closely and whispered to him for a few minutes about how special and amazing he is and that he is loved more than he knows. He calmed down and continued to play, but I could still see a change in his demeanor... not as much pep in his step.
I guess that was the first time I ever saw him experience a heart ache... and I think mine ached more for him than I ever remember before. It is so painful as a parent to see your child hurting. Even though it is so painful to see my children hurting, I know there will be many more heart aches to come and I know there is no way to avoid them. But my prayer isn't that they don't get hurt... my prayer is that out of those heart aches my children learn humility, compassion for others, and to turn to God in their hurting. And, that even when it feels like no one can see us, our loving Heavenly Father sees us and His very Spirit dwells within us!
the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17
My. Heart. Ripped. In. Two.
It took me a minute to be able to speak without crying myself. I related to him and could remember having felt that way before. How could I express to him how special he is... what an amazing blessing he is... how much he is so deeply loved?? I explained to him that the other kids were just so excited to be on the playground where they could run and slide and do things that they can't normally do at home. I also explained that not everyone wants to play the exact same thing we want to play and sometimes we just have to join in what others are already playing and that I was sure they would love it if he joined in with them. Then I held him closely and whispered to him for a few minutes about how special and amazing he is and that he is loved more than he knows. He calmed down and continued to play, but I could still see a change in his demeanor... not as much pep in his step.
I guess that was the first time I ever saw him experience a heart ache... and I think mine ached more for him than I ever remember before. It is so painful as a parent to see your child hurting. Even though it is so painful to see my children hurting, I know there will be many more heart aches to come and I know there is no way to avoid them. But my prayer isn't that they don't get hurt... my prayer is that out of those heart aches my children learn humility, compassion for others, and to turn to God in their hurting. And, that even when it feels like no one can see us, our loving Heavenly Father sees us and His very Spirit dwells within us!
the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17
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