Attitudes... they reveal so much about us. Our thoughts, our beliefs, our values. They are a compilation of what we know, what we have experienced, what we believe, and how we feel about things. They provide great insight into our hearts. So, what a great resource for us as parents to peek into the windows of our children's hearts! I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking about this subject lately, so I thought I would share a few things I've learned so far. We are still working on applying all of these concepts in our own lives, but these concepts are really helping us deal with some "heart" issues in our family.
We've all seen it. We all know exactly when it begins to rear its ugly head. A bad attitude! It may show itself in the form of a whine or complaint, a huff or puff, an annoyed stance, crossed arms, a grumble, a sigh, etc., etc., etc. We recognize it immediately... but why do they have that attitude, what is it saying about their heart, how do we react, and how can we change it?
Why do they have that attitude and what is it saying about their heart?
There can be a number of reasons for a bad attitude. If we listen to what they say, their words can reveal a lot. They may reveal an attitude to selfishness, pride, defiance, anger, or uncooperativeness. They may reveal character flaws such as laziness, discontentment, or impatience. Or they may reveal wrong thinking... they may have a misconception or misguided feelings about something. If they don't say anything, but still are showing a bad attitude in their actions, its important to talk with them to find out the reason for the bad attitude. When we understand the reason, we can address it and begin a process to change it.
How do we react?
Bad attitudes in our children can bring out bad attitudes in us. We can become angry or hurt by their words or actions. We can feel disrespected, unappreciated and irritated. If we respond to our child's bad attitude with anger or harshness, we can give a mixed message when we are telling them to change their attitude when all the while, we need to change ours. If we become angry, we may need to take some time to calm down and think about what we want to say before confronting our child. Also, if our child's emotions are high, that may be another good reason to put off the conversation. Wait until everyone is in a calmer frame of mind and can have a rational discussion. If we only address the bad behavior or words, and leave the attitude unchecked, we can be fostering a future lifestyle of bad attitudes, bad moods, and a negative mind-set.
How can we change it?
Changing an attitude takes consistency over time. It is not an easy fix that will take place after one conversation. Once we pinpoint what attitude, character flaw, or wrong thinking our child has revealed through their words/actions, we can begin discussions to reflect their feelings, let them know we understand, and share our thoughts and feelings with them as well as provide discipline if needed. This may take many cycles, but it needs to take place every time the bad attitude comes out because a child can have many different bad attitudes revealing different things that need to be addressed.
The goal is for our children to learn to recognize a bad attitude in themselves, think about why they have that attitude, and figure out healthy ways to respond to their feelings (taking some quiet time for themselves, praying, reading the bible, etc.) and change their own attitude. God wants us to reflect an attitude of Christ. Romans 15: 5-6 says, "May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." As parents, we can help our children learn ways to recognize and change negative attitudes, moods, and mind-sets.
This has just been a brief summary of some of the concepts we are putting into action in our family. If you would like to read more about this subject and learn some other great ideas/concepts (and see examples), I highly recommend the book "Good and Angry - Exchanging Frustration for Character... In You and Your Kids!" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. This subject on attitude is covered in just one chapter. It is FULL of great ideas about the usefulness of anger, giving instruction... and getting your kids to obey the first time!, giving correction, accepting limits, teaching self-control and integrity, and more from a biblical view.
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